An unplanned down time. 

A time of warmth to unthaw.

I didn't realize how cold my body was. 

It doesn't like to be cold. 

Looking forward to letting the answers come 

while asking what is the question. 

Looking foward to healing and growing. 

To going over that hump of self sabotage 

just as the success comes. 

Or is that 'on the run' 

and avoiding the true path 

which causes the sabotage? 

The answers will come. 

I can feel them. 

They are there ready to surface. 

My talents and gifts are many 

      yet 

useless in the wrong 'pot of soup'.

Moving ... 

while being. 

This is exciting

the future

This new chapter.

It is becoming clear

full of adventure

while being mindful 

of the present.

11-09-2011

Waiting.. waiting

for the other shoe to drop, that is. It's a terrible place to be. It's not what I want from my life, this life. I pretend it isn't happening and then it catches me. Grabs me with a hahahah or is that a heeheehhee?

The unfolding recently has been so amazing. The aha moments have been so plain, so real. The life lessons are simple and weaved together. This change, this growth, this knowing, this belief is freeing. It's exciting. It can be overwhelming. I have learned to take time to let 'it' absorb. Let God work his magic.

I am learning to trust God and to trust myself. Those thoughts I hide are coming out. Those feelings or idea's....well, they are pretty right on!! It's so cool. It really is. To trust yourself. To have a thought and let is simmer, let it process, and wait to the knowing. God speaks to me in songs, written words, those around me. Through plain everyday happenings.

I have a small example of the things that have been happening to me recently. I hope I can explain it in a way that shows the emotion, the gratitude, and real life lesson. I have been given the opportunity to take a class called Designing My Practice. Two lessons ago we were handed a sheet of questions as our homework. We were to Design Our Practice. Write our plan. My first thought was how I'd like to teach or mentor others in my future. To combine my art with ... life lessons. I don't know the words yet. The whole picture but that was my first thought. Next was, how do I explain this? How do I write this? And finally, in all honesty, I don't know the other people in the class, my co-artist well enough to share this dream. This path I fully believe God has me on.

Two or three days later. In conversation with the Founders of 3231 Creatives where my studio is located, where I have felt is my college, my training, my schooling for the future. We begin talking about a teaching program and one of the founders said ..... you can teach this. Yes, I can. Gulp!! I am so excited by the lessons I am learning. The unfolding of the path. A look into the future. Almost everyday  I get an Aha moment. Something I have written or thought and then sorta hid is right in front of me. Right there that says, yes, this is right. Your thought, influence, direction, it's right on track Sue.

I am even learning to make mistakes and forgive myself for them. I am learning to do something, even if it's not perfect. Then, to learn from it and move on. I am learning that the qualities that I have had all these years are good qualities. They don't work for everyone but they work for me and the people God is putting in my path.

I have come to a place where I am recognizing that I wait for that shoe to drop. Wait for the big laughter that says, hahahaa just joking. I believe realizing that I do this will help me to move past it. If not past it then to truly know that if and when the other shoe does drop, I'll pick it up and move on.

ah....it was just a trantum.
not who I am
yet a part of me.

As said by a wise friend,
Basically, it's your ego throwing a tantrum
because you're going forward
despite it's best efforts to scare you into
not doing anything that might
raise your consciousness.

whew...be, love, rejoice, dance.

Reading and writing this morning and your question, "In what way is your art focus wavering? Are you having trouble settling in to your new studio space?", keep coming to mind. What is it that is blocking or stopping me? What is this tense feeling? I hear the words, "I knew my art had value", I don't have that. I know there is value in myself somewhere. I know that it comes to front often. I know that when it is ready to be..I tend to self sabotage. I know that i enjoy creating 'art'. I know that I rely way to much on what others think. I know that I am looking for their approval. I know that to be an artist I must relinquish those feelings, traits, and ways of life. I know that the more I create, the more I make, the better I will become. I know that my style is all over the place. I know that I tell myself this is okay and yet, I don't believe it. I know that I have really good times and times of total doubt. I know that I have a deadline to produce art for an outstanding program. That people will be paying 145.00 per plate to attend this event and my work will be presented along with the others. I know this scares me and yet excites me. I know that value is a word that makes me want to ball my eyes out today. I know that I don't want anyone else to see me this way. I know that the reason I don't want anyone to see me this way is because it is not my strength and I am strong. I know that I have lived a very full and rocky life. That if I were to really look at it. Study it, remember it, I would realize how strong I am. How much I have overcome. That crying, being believing, is good. That I do have value. That my work has value. That I must believe that. I must believe in myself. That it is okay to believe in myself. Truthfully, if I really knew and felt this, would I have these times of self destruction. This fear of success. Would I stop finding everything else to do besides paint, create, and allow? 

Matthew 5:30

There are times I share
some of my inner thoughts
my feelings and beliefs.

why do I do this?

There is that fear
that 'they' won't agree
that 'they' will read into
my words.

I then wonder
and
second guess
if i should have shared.
been so vulnerable.

wonder no more.
This is me
this is who i am
today.

..living with fibromyalgia

sometimes a little cry
can help release
some of the
pain and fog
...sometimes.