Every time I get even a pinch of doubt in the work I am doing...there's confirmation that it changes lives. That it heals relationships. That the work has a meaning.
My ego would like to jump in and say something to the effect of how mushy or ..let's be honest here, stupid the work I do is. Then God jumps in and says, my child how many times must I tell you...
Trust me.
and so, I do.
Full, Fulfilled, Happy, Rejoice....
Being in a place of..
these thoughts, this wonder
that comes with wisdom
How do you describe this feeling
Happiness
Gratitude
Appreciation
Love
Peace
Light
God
Full
Overcome
Breath
Expanding
Released
Found
Abundant
Blessed
Can this be real
Will this last
Fear begins to creep in
it creeps in and creates doubt.
Do not run
Do not fight
Do not let go
This is real
Soak it in
Let it expand
Feel the rush
Let the emotions...
express themselves
And embrace this place.
with love
these thoughts, this wonder
that comes with wisdom
How do you describe this feeling
Happiness
Gratitude
Appreciation
Love
Peace
Light
God
Full
Overcome
Breath
Expanding
Released
Found
Abundant
Blessed
Can this be real
Will this last
Fear begins to creep in
it creeps in and creates doubt.
Do not run
Do not fight
Do not let go
This is real
Soak it in
Let it expand
Feel the rush
Let the emotions...
express themselves
And embrace this place.
with love
Daily Gifts
It's a gray morning with a bit of brightness in the mix.
As I sit at my desk overlooking the back yard and water in the distance
a flock of birds flies in and does what looks like a ballet dance.
The grace and beauty of their moves.
All together in perfect format.
A personal show of art
just for me.
What a gift I've received already today
and my day has just begun.
As I sit at my desk overlooking the back yard and water in the distance
a flock of birds flies in and does what looks like a ballet dance.
The grace and beauty of their moves.
All together in perfect format.
A personal show of art
just for me.
What a gift I've received already today
and my day has just begun.
I seem to be remembering pieces of the past recently.
The feelings are being recreated in burst of emotion
they disappear but leave a trace behind.
Like a string of light
My daughter was just over a year old
She was very sick and dehydrated so they admitted her to Children's Hospital.
My husband and I were separated
he was living with his girlfriend.
My family was there, thank God
but it was Christmas day and they were celebrating, together
I felt so very alone.
I was pregnant with twins at the time.
Just a few weeks after Christmas i went into labor, early.
I could hear both of their heart beats
loud and clear
as I heard the doctor say, I don't think they'll make it
they're just to small and I can't stop labor.
My biggest regret that night
was when the nurse said there could only be one person in the room with me.
I sent my dad out
and let my drunk, hickey filled and separated from me husband stay.
I consoled him as he weep with his head on my chest.
Oh how I wish I would have let my dad stay
be with me in a time where i needed someone else's strength
not to give what little i had.
I will never forget the tears that ran down my dad's face
as I repeatedly said this can't be happening, my babies.
He said, I know. I knew he did.
The thing is...i never allowed myself to feel any of these feelings
deep inside
I never allowed myself to scream
cause,
I knew it was my own fault I was here
in labor, way to early.
I felt i deserved every bit of the pain.
But they didn't. My girls didn't deserve this.
Jessica died at birth
Melissa lived in Children's Hospital for two and a half months.
One of those spurts of overwhelm and pain I've been remembering
driving down 405 through the S curves in my little Datsun B210.
The vision, the thought, the temptation to crank the steering wheel as hard as i could
I could see the guard rail so close and yet so far.
It wouldn't be fair though to those driving around me.
It wouldn't be fair to my beautiful daughter who was at home with my family
at just over a year old.
It wouldn't be fair to Melissa
my 1lb 11oz. baby girl who was fighting for her life.
so i kept driving
that drive to the hospital almost everyday for two and half months.
And then one day,
as I walking through the hall
I looked up and said quietly said
something has to happen here.
I am so tired.
Just a few weeks later
I kissed my little girl on the forehead and said good bye
She opened her eyes bright and looked at me.
She was dying and we made the decision to remove the breathing tube.
I went outside as they removed it and i just wanted to run
to run and run and run
but i din't.
The doctor must have told me three times that he had never saw anything like it
the way she opened her eyes when I kissed her forehead.
Never, anything like it.
Can they ever forgive me?
I wish I could say that is the only time I've felt so small in such a great big world.
So small that a meeting with the guard rail felt so right.
It's enough for today though.
I will embrace these feeling.
Dance with them, if you will.
Release and allow.
One thing I know for sure is
I am forever grateful that I didn't make contact with that guard rail
there's so much to live for.
The feelings are being recreated in burst of emotion
they disappear but leave a trace behind.
Like a string of light
My daughter was just over a year old
She was very sick and dehydrated so they admitted her to Children's Hospital.
My husband and I were separated
he was living with his girlfriend.
My family was there, thank God
but it was Christmas day and they were celebrating, together
I felt so very alone.
I was pregnant with twins at the time.
Just a few weeks after Christmas i went into labor, early.
I could hear both of their heart beats
loud and clear
as I heard the doctor say, I don't think they'll make it
they're just to small and I can't stop labor.
My biggest regret that night
was when the nurse said there could only be one person in the room with me.
I sent my dad out
and let my drunk, hickey filled and separated from me husband stay.
I consoled him as he weep with his head on my chest.
Oh how I wish I would have let my dad stay
be with me in a time where i needed someone else's strength
not to give what little i had.
I will never forget the tears that ran down my dad's face
as I repeatedly said this can't be happening, my babies.
He said, I know. I knew he did.
The thing is...i never allowed myself to feel any of these feelings
deep inside
I never allowed myself to scream
cause,
I knew it was my own fault I was here
in labor, way to early.
I felt i deserved every bit of the pain.
But they didn't. My girls didn't deserve this.
Jessica died at birth
Melissa lived in Children's Hospital for two and a half months.
One of those spurts of overwhelm and pain I've been remembering
driving down 405 through the S curves in my little Datsun B210.
The vision, the thought, the temptation to crank the steering wheel as hard as i could
I could see the guard rail so close and yet so far.
It wouldn't be fair though to those driving around me.
It wouldn't be fair to my beautiful daughter who was at home with my family
at just over a year old.
It wouldn't be fair to Melissa
my 1lb 11oz. baby girl who was fighting for her life.
so i kept driving
that drive to the hospital almost everyday for two and half months.
And then one day,
as I walking through the hall
I looked up and said quietly said
something has to happen here.
I am so tired.
Just a few weeks later
I kissed my little girl on the forehead and said good bye
She opened her eyes bright and looked at me.
She was dying and we made the decision to remove the breathing tube.
I went outside as they removed it and i just wanted to run
to run and run and run
but i din't.
The doctor must have told me three times that he had never saw anything like it
the way she opened her eyes when I kissed her forehead.
Never, anything like it.
Can they ever forgive me?
I wish I could say that is the only time I've felt so small in such a great big world.
So small that a meeting with the guard rail felt so right.
It's enough for today though.
I will embrace these feeling.
Dance with them, if you will.
Release and allow.
One thing I know for sure is
I am forever grateful that I didn't make contact with that guard rail
there's so much to live for.
Being
The sun is warm
The water is running outside
it's a soothing sound.
They day is quiet
something my soul needs.
Some time to soak up all the goodness
all the love
all the beauty that surrounds me.
The natural beauty
as well as
gratitude for the people in my life.
My family
my friends.
Love is in the air.
I can feel the warmth
I can hear the beauty
My soul is soothed.
The water is running outside
it's a soothing sound.
They day is quiet
something my soul needs.
Some time to soak up all the goodness
all the love
all the beauty that surrounds me.
The natural beauty
as well as
gratitude for the people in my life.
My family
my friends.
Love is in the air.
I can feel the warmth
I can hear the beauty
My soul is soothed.
Download
An unplanned down time.
A time of warmth to unthaw.
I didn't realize how cold my body was.
It doesn't like to be cold.
Looking forward to letting the answers come
while asking what is the question.
Looking foward to healing and growing.
To going over that hump of self sabotage
just as the success comes.
Or is that 'on the run'
and avoiding the true path
which causes the sabotage?
The answers will come.
I can feel them.
They are there ready to surface.
My talents and gifts are many
yet
useless in the wrong 'pot of soup'.
Moving ...
while being.
This is exciting
the future
This new chapter.
It is becoming clear
full of adventure
while being mindful
of the present.
Waiting
11-09-2011
Waiting.. waiting
for the other shoe to drop, that is. It's a terrible place to be. It's not what I want from my life, this life. I pretend it isn't happening and then it catches me. Grabs me with a hahahah or is that a heeheehhee?
The unfolding recently has been so amazing. The aha moments have been so plain, so real. The life lessons are simple and weaved together. This change, this growth, this knowing, this belief is freeing. It's exciting. It can be overwhelming. I have learned to take time to let 'it' absorb. Let God work his magic.
I am learning to trust God and to trust myself. Those thoughts I hide are coming out. Those feelings or idea's....well, they are pretty right on!! It's so cool. It really is. To trust yourself. To have a thought and let is simmer, let it process, and wait to the knowing. God speaks to me in songs, written words, those around me. Through plain everyday happenings.
I have a small example of the things that have been happening to me recently. I hope I can explain it in a way that shows the emotion, the gratitude, and real life lesson. I have been given the opportunity to take a class called Designing My Practice. Two lessons ago we were handed a sheet of questions as our homework. We were to Design Our Practice. Write our plan. My first thought was how I'd like to teach or mentor others in my future. To combine my art with ... life lessons. I don't know the words yet. The whole picture but that was my first thought. Next was, how do I explain this? How do I write this? And finally, in all honesty, I don't know the other people in the class, my co-artist well enough to share this dream. This path I fully believe God has me on.
Two or three days later. In conversation with the Founders of 3231 Creatives where my studio is located, where I have felt is my college, my training, my schooling for the future. We begin talking about a teaching program and one of the founders said ..... you can teach this. Yes, I can. Gulp!! I am so excited by the lessons I am learning. The unfolding of the path. A look into the future. Almost everyday I get an Aha moment. Something I have written or thought and then sorta hid is right in front of me. Right there that says, yes, this is right. Your thought, influence, direction, it's right on track Sue.
I am even learning to make mistakes and forgive myself for them. I am learning to do something, even if it's not perfect. Then, to learn from it and move on. I am learning that the qualities that I have had all these years are good qualities. They don't work for everyone but they work for me and the people God is putting in my path.
I have come to a place where I am recognizing that I wait for that shoe to drop. Wait for the big laughter that says, hahahaa just joking. I believe realizing that I do this will help me to move past it. If not past it then to truly know that if and when the other shoe does drop, I'll pick it up and move on.
Moving forward
ah....it was just a trantum.
not who I am
yet a part of me.
As said by a wise friend,
Basically, it's your ego throwing a tantrum
because you're going forward
despite it's best efforts to scare you into
not doing anything that might
raise your consciousness.
whew...be, love, rejoice, dance.
not who I am
yet a part of me.
As said by a wise friend,
Basically, it's your ego throwing a tantrum
because you're going forward
despite it's best efforts to scare you into
not doing anything that might
raise your consciousness.
whew...be, love, rejoice, dance.
Value
Reading and writing this morning and your question, "In
what way is your art focus wavering? Are you having trouble settling in
to your new studio space?", keep coming to mind. What is it that is
blocking or stopping me? What is this tense feeling? I hear the words,
"I knew my art had value", I don't have that. I know there is value in
myself somewhere. I know that it comes to front often. I know that when
it is ready to be..I tend to self sabotage. I know that i enjoy creating
'art'. I know that I rely way to much on what others think. I know that
I am looking for their approval. I know that to be an artist I must
relinquish those feelings, traits, and ways of life. I know that the
more I create, the more I make, the better I will become. I know that my
style is all over the place. I know that I tell myself this is okay and
yet, I don't believe it. I know that I have really good times and times
of total doubt. I know that I have a deadline to produce art for an
outstanding program. That people will be paying 145.00 per plate to
attend this event and my work will be presented along with the others. I
know this scares me and yet excites me. I know that value is a word
that makes me want to ball my eyes out today. I know that I don't want
anyone else to see me this way. I know that the reason I don't want
anyone to see me this way is because it is not my strength and I am
strong. I know that I have lived a very full and rocky life. That if I
were to really look at it. Study it, remember it, I would realize how
strong I am. How much I have overcome. That crying, being believing, is
good. That I do have value. That my work has value. That I must believe
that. I must believe in myself. That it is okay to believe in myself.
Truthfully, if I really knew and felt this, would I have these times
of self destruction. This fear of success. Would I stop finding everything
else to do besides paint, create, and allow?
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