Reading and writing this morning and your question, "In
what way is your art focus wavering? Are you having trouble settling in
to your new studio space?", keep coming to mind. What is it that is
blocking or stopping me? What is this tense feeling? I hear the words,
"I knew my art had value", I don't have that. I know there is value in
myself somewhere. I know that it comes to front often. I know that when
it is ready to be..I tend to self sabotage. I know that i enjoy creating
'art'. I know that I rely way to much on what others think. I know that
I am looking for their approval. I know that to be an artist I must
relinquish those feelings, traits, and ways of life. I know that the
more I create, the more I make, the better I will become. I know that my
style is all over the place. I know that I tell myself this is okay and
yet, I don't believe it. I know that I have really good times and times
of total doubt. I know that I have a deadline to produce art for an
outstanding program. That people will be paying 145.00 per plate to
attend this event and my work will be presented along with the others. I
know this scares me and yet excites me. I know that value is a word
that makes me want to ball my eyes out today. I know that I don't want
anyone else to see me this way. I know that the reason I don't want
anyone to see me this way is because it is not my strength and I am
strong. I know that I have lived a very full and rocky life. That if I
were to really look at it. Study it, remember it, I would realize how
strong I am. How much I have overcome. That crying, being believing, is
good. That I do have value. That my work has value. That I must believe
that. I must believe in myself. That it is okay to believe in myself.
Truthfully, if I really knew and felt this, would I have these times
of self destruction. This fear of success. Would I stop finding everything
else to do besides paint, create, and allow?
